Finding the joy in growing old

In the 1990s I often wondered whether I would live to see the 2000s and after that I wondered if I would live to be 70 and then still wondered if I would reach 80. So here I am aged 80 and life has changed. I do not believe though that life stops when you get older and there is nothing to do except watch the TV and snooze the day away. My mind is still active although my body is letting me down a lot recently. But I still try to get out in nature however painful it is to walk. I can see a wheelchair on the horizon but that might make it easier if I choose the right one. But I can still cloud watch, bird and butterfly watch though my window. I can still stand outside and breathe in the morning air and feel the stillness as dawn breaks. I can watch sunsets and sunrises and watch the moon through its phases.

I can still write, craft and draw but playing the piano is harder as there are not enough sockets so I can plug it in. (It is a digital piano). I am trying to record meditations via my computer but there is a lot of traffic noise so I will have to think about ways of getting rid of background noise. There is so much still to do.

I was lying in bed earlier thinking about the mountains. I have always loved the mountains and being amongst them. No longer able to walk them I can use my memories to give me joy and look at videos of them. Joy can be found in the simplest things like watching the spider spin its web and watching clouds change shape as they move along. Last week I saw one that looked like an angel and as it moved across the sky it became a large bird possibly an eagle.

Pain is part of my everyday life. I take painkillers in moderation. Pain tells you something is wrong so I listen to my body and decide what I need to do. If you are busy doing something you enjoy then you don’t notice the pain in the same way. What I do miss since my house move are deep discussions with others. Maybe I should start a social media group to discuss healing and the meaning of life etc.

But life is generally good and there is joy at least once a day and I have gratitude for that and for still being here able to enjoy the natural world around me even if mainly seen through a window. I try to get through the ‘feeling down’ times as best I can knowing that something better is ahead but that life can be difficult some times. Meditation and music help me with this. I have a deep love of music of all kinds and find that listening to music helps me tremendously.

So getting older can be a good thing as you find new ways to enjoy your life, it is not the end of your world.

Mixed feelings

The restrictions on movement are beginning to take a toll on my mental health. For the first few weeks I decided to treat them as a retreat and did a lot of meditation and inner work. After that I decided to do more work on spiritual things and more Reiki going on to teach others as much as I could during this situation. I then took on other projects to keep me busy.

But what I miss most of all is the time out with friends, walking, talking and eating out. These have come to a full stop. I do get out with my son once a week and we go to nature reserves or areas where there is a lot of insect life as we both love insects of all kinds. One of the bonuses of being out with friends is the way the conversation stimulates. I have found a distinctive lack of creative ability recently and a lack of motivation to create. I have material, and thread, I have paints, pencils and sketch books but I don’t seem to have the motivation to create.

I have been reading lots of books on different subjects though and adding to my knowledge. However I really want to move house to somewhere with a few more adaptations which help me with my daily life like grab rails in various places and a walk in shower. These cannot be placed in my current home for various reasons so I have been trying to move things around to make life easier while I wait for more suitable accommodation. Falling over in the garden brings home how much help I do need although I am fiercely independent generally. I always have been and want to stay that way but I have to be sensible.

I found an article on pain this morning and how it is related to emotional states. I shall read this carefully and see if it helps. Although I have been told my pain is from the collective if that makes sense to you. Our world is in pain and many of its inhabitants are in pain so if I am carrying pain for the collective then I can see why I have so much pain. But is it that easy? However I shall carry on doing my best, staying hopeful and positive believing that there is a much better world ahead, maybe not in my lifetime but hopefully in yours.

Closure

There are many words in the English language that have added to or changed their meanings over the years. Closure is one of those words. It meant and still means the closure of coal mines and department stores for example. But it has now got another meaning, closure after an unpleasant time or experience. I suppose it still means the act or process of closing something even with its extra definition.

So closure is the feeling or act of bringing an unpleasant time or experience to an end so that you can start again. Closure could refer then to ending one job which was not pleasant and starting a new job. Once you got into the new job you could forget about all the bad bits of the previous job. But is it that easy?

What about separation or divorce? How easy is it to start again and forget the bad bits? If children are involved then this can make it even harder to let go of the past and move on. Letting go of the pain is hard but it needs to be done if you want to move on. You can make a conscious decision to let the pain and anger go but if this doesn’t work you can try to express your pain and anger. You can write letters to the other person but not send them. Instead you can burn them with the intent that the pain and anger has gone so you can move forward again.

You also need to ‘be’ in the present. Focus on what you are doing now and enjoy your life as it happens. The final thing you have to do is to forgive the other person and that is possibly the hardest bit of all. But if you keep the pain and anger inside you, it will make you ill later on.

But how do you have closure when someone dear to you dies? Our emotions at that time run deep and as the grieving process takes its course we think of closure. Personally I find that with a death of a loved one, there is never what you could call a proper closure. We learn to live with the fact that our loved ones are no longer with us. Our love does not die so we have to learn to accept that they are no longer here but closure, I don’t think so. You can move on and even find another partner but your life has changed from what it was before the death occurred so you look at everything and everybody through different eyes. Also grieving can take several years as you adjust to the fact that your loved one has gone.

Is closure something that we deal with and achieve, or is it a myth?