This week has been enlightening in some ways but I will come to that later. My childhood and years up until my mid fifties were full of words and actions that made me have no confidence in what I did. I was never good enough for my mother and whatever I did she felt I had let her down. So that made it difficult for me to believe in myself. I was working during a time when women were meant to stay at home and look after the children. This attitude was common in areas such as teaching and academic work as I found out when I might have needed a bit of encouragement.
Yet I did things I loved. I played the piano, did my sewing and knitting, and painted in oils and acrylics as well as sketched landscapes in pencil. I learned how to do other crafts via short day courses for teachers and I was always good at these or so I thought. I remember one teaching colleague who told me I was good at a lot of things but did not do any of them outstandingly well. This from a colleague who watched me take part in a piano competition and win!
It was not until my mid fifties that I started to change and find out who I really was and who I was meant to be. This exploration took years and is still ongoing and there are times even now when I stop believing in what I am doing. The years of what can only be called mental and emotional abuse have left their mark. But this week changed that. My son was helping me to do a links page for my new website. He asked how many blogs I had and I started to think about this. I have far more blog sites than I thought but I had started some then done nothing much with them. I looked at all these blog sites and have started to update them. This made me think of the books I have written too. Yesterday I took a long trawl through all the photos on my computer, landscapes, photos of my paintings and craft work. There were hundreds of these dating back around 15 years. This has made me appreciate what I have done over the years. Then I looked at how many Reiki students I had taught over the years. That too made me think that I could believe in myself more after 25 years of working on myself.. But my story shows how easy it is to let others stop you from believing in yourself so be aware what your relatives and friends are saying to you.